Needing a God to Parent

A couple of weeks ago, I was having dinner with some friends before a concert and we got to talking about growing up religious and about not being religious today. It was a long conversation about all the reasons why none of us were religious (one of my favorite topics, but it is better if some present are still kind-of religious).

Anyway, at the end of it we got to talking about parent and one guy said that if he became a parent, he would have to raise his kids religious.

Our mouths dropped open; all of us wondering just how he had come to that conclusion. Finally I spoke up and asked. He said that he couldn't imagine keeping his kids in line without the threat of a God.

This represents one more fallacy in parenting without religion. What people have to understand is that children (young children) think of their parents as Gods. They don't need some other God to threaten them and in fact don't really understand that. Many psychologists think that our tendency to believe in higher beings comes from this period in our life when we see our parents as Gods - we want that continue; we want someone to be looking out for us, protecting us, and loving us.

Kids want so badly to please their parents, that you don't need any threats from some higher being to keep them in line - you are that higher being.

Radio: Is religion important when raising our children?

KNRY, a talk radio station in Monterey, CA hosts a show called Fathers are Forever and they are going to air a show tomorrow (Friday) night centered around whether or not religion is important when raising children.

This particular shows ill air from 7:00PM to 9:00PM Pacific time. You can listen to the show live here.

Dale Brown (author of Parenting Beyond Belief) and I (author of Humanism for Parents - Parenting without Religion) will represent the secular side of the discussion.

It should be a lively and interesting discussion.

Divorce and Humanism

For various serious reasons that I won't go into here, my wife and I are divorcing after 17 years and with four kids that have no choice in the matter. This was actually my second marriage, the first one having been a bad mistake on my part that ended after a few years and no children were involved. This is completely different. Darcie was my soul mate, or so I believed for the first 10 years of our marriage. It was perfect - at least I thought so. We loved each other deeply, enjoyed life, met challenges head on and when there weren't enough challenges, we created them (like moving overseas). And, we had four incredible children that prove out our parenting ability.

Going through a divorce with someone you considered your best friend and when there are children involved is so much more difficult. I have to continually think of what is best for the children or I would end up lashing out at my soon-to-be-ex-wife and would try to screw with her as much as possible. But, that just isn't good for the kids in the long run and so I have to restrain myself, even if she doesn't.

I've realized two related things during this process. First is that I should have had a chapter in my book (Humanism for Parents) on divorce. Second is that writing and performing weddings, as I do as an AHA Humanist Celebrant, is more difficult when you are having a hard time believing in marriage yourself. I have a wedding to perform this Saturday that I was looking forward to, but it has been difficult to help the couple write the vows and even to read them. I'll suck-it-up and do a good job at the ceremony as they deserve nothing less; but I find it a challenge.

Eventually, maybe I'll write some thoughts on divorce for the Humanist. Other than religious people having a built-in support group, I don't think there is a lot of difference; but it would be worth the exercise anyway. If you have any comments about this, just send them my way - maybe they will end up in a future version of my book :).

Deciding to have a child

I recently took part in a debate on Amazon about Parenting and more specifically about whether to have kids and if so, how many. It was an interesting debate with many different turns and side issues and was sometimes quite heated with some participants deciding to no longer participate.

It is an emotional issue for so many people. Through nature, we are drawn to having children - it is one of our most basic instincts. But, in modern society we finally have a choice. We can decide to have children or not and it doesn't limit our desire and need for intimacy and sex. We also can now try to balance the root desire for children with our ability to support them and the appropriateness of having more children in an already crowded world (see world population counter).

Unfortunately, the people willing to strike this balance and who consider the choice of having children against the bigger picture (world over population, global warming, financial stability, etc.) are the very people who would best serve humankind by having children. I once wrote a lengthy paper on The De-Evolution of the Human Race that included research on the sinking intelligence and abilities of humanity in western civilization because of the propensity for the middle and upper classes to not reproduce at will and the lower classes to ignore the choice. Unfortunately, there hasn't been enough years of this potential de-evolution to substantiate the idea. There has also been general increase in apparent intelligence and capability (or productivity) because of new technologies like the Internet that introduce free and easily available information to the masses. But, look around and you will see many capable, successful people who are unwilling or at least hesitant to have children. On the other side are people like the woman who rented a house of mine at one point and told me that her job was to make babies for the state - and indeed, she was getting paid more each time she had another baby. She didn't care who the father was and she was on number nine at the time.

So, in the debate on Amazon, I argued that anyone asking the question of whether or not to have children is already likely to be a better parent, a better provider, and someone who would produce better citizens than the average person out there having children. That argument started the first firestorm. It was interesting to see the reactions - they were emotional and heartfelt, but few had any logic or reasoning behind them and I stood my ground as there was nothing in the arguments to counter what I was saying.

Then the discussion turned to only-children (one child in a family) and again I started a firestorm, this one probably more deserved. I have observed many families and parenting situations (part of my research into writing Humanism for Parents - Parenting without Religion and found many parents that mistakenly enable their children - in other words give them what they want to quiet them down. Sometimes this is done as part of an (IMO invalid) parenting philosophy, but more often it is because they struggle with conflict and the personal will power it takes to stand up to a screaming child. In multi-children families where the parents tend to enable, the children end up learning that they can't always get there way. In single-child families, the child really is the center of the universe. In childhood s/he almost always gets his/her way. Then, later in life it is difficult for them to be happy because they never can get back to that situation where they get whatever they want. It makes for an adult who is difficult to please and struggles to be happy.

Of course all of the people in the debate who were only-children vehemently objected. They believed they had turned out fine thereby disproving my arguments. Of course my arguments were never about a single person and they shouldn't have taken it so personally. Also, any person tends to think s/he is "ok" (turned out well), it is an attribute of human psychology. There also hasn't been (to my knowledge) impartial studies on this, so it is difficult to prove. But it does make a lot of sense.

On the other hand, anyone who is thinking about having children and actually spending time trying to decide is much more likely to parent a single child better than those who just have children without deciding to. Again, don't take any one case and object to this - it is a blanket statement that can't be applied to a specific situation.

This isn't exactly a Humanist issue, but you can try to look at it from a Humanist standpoint. In that case we would use logic, reasoning and compassion to explore the ideas for validity (and leave emotion and reaction aside). In this case, however, I don't know of any applicable research. Maybe it is time for a graduate student or team to do just such a research project.

Improving on your Parents

One of the most impressive things I can think of for a parent is something my father (Edward M. Curley) accomplished. His father abused his wife and kids; actually beat them up when he was upset and/or drunk. Then, when my father was around 12, he left them to fend for themselves and disappeared for 40 years.

But, not only did my father never beat us up or hit his wife, he only ever spanked us if it was for a lesson. He broke that cycle of child abuse and that has to be one of the hardest things to break. I have felt the deep-rooted desire to hit a kid many times and if I had grown up in an environment where I was beat up, I wonder if I could refrain from hitting a child during any of those many times s/he was completely misbehaving. But, I don’t have to struggle with that because my father broke the cycle and taught me that physical punishment should only be used when trying to train or accomplish something, not out of anger or spite.

I’ve often thought that every person would do well to try to improve on one thing s/he thinks his or her parent(s) did poorly. I’ve told each of my four kids this – that one of their jobs as a parent will be to improve on what my wife and I have done as parents. But, in no way did I ever think I could match the improvement my Dad did. And I didn’t need to. There are many other ways I’ve thought I improved on parenting from what he did. Some are:

• Played with the kids a lot more
• Participated in their lives a lot more (births, events, competitions)
• Talk with them a lot more (as a confidant)

These were things my Dad didn’t do, but that I do at least better than he did. Obviously they are nowhere near as important as his breaking of the abuse cycle.

Then the other day I began reading The End of Faith by Sam Harris. He made an interesting point in how difficult it is to break away from religion and it started me thinking that maybe the biggest improvement I made isn’t on the day-to-day tactical sense that those above are, but rather in my breaking away from religion.
Religion is so out-dated and detrimental to society and so difficult to break out of that my going from the hardcore Catholic school boy (I was an alter boy and frequently lead the rosary during my lunch hour) to the Humanist advocate I am, is just about as difficult as my father breaking out of the child abuse cycle.
I know that there are many (very many) good religious people. But as a whole, religion has been responsible for more atrocities in the world than anything else. Most recently is the total destruction of the World Trade Center and the resulting wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Despite what politicians say, these are totally about religion – do you think the Taliban would have attacked the WTC without Islam? And think about the Bible and Koran that both basically say that if another does not believe in God as this book says (and you believe), then you must kill them. The Islamists are just living by the book they believe in – in some ways that is more admirable than the Christians who say the Bible is the word of God, but then don’t live by it.

Anyway, Religion is so archaic and unneeded and in fact damaging that we have to as a race stop the irrational faith in it. But, taking that step is very difficult. When you grow up in a family that totally believes and has total faith (something you believe with no evidence), then it becomes very difficult to break away. It is also scary for many people to think that they aren’t going to live past death and that they have nobody to rely on but themselves. This stance of course would make everyone stand up and be responsible for who they are without relying on some deity, but it is still scary to most and one of the reasons they can’t easily break away from it.

So, I’m now wondering if maybe I did improve on something really big instead of those little things. Not that I wasn’t happy with them – I didn’t say that every generation had to improve to the level my Dad did; that is pretty much impossible.

Your job of course is be to improve on something that you think is important in the way of parenting. It doesn’t have to be huge, it just has to be something – if for no other reason than that this will make you think about what good parenting is and who you want to be as a parent.

EvolveFISH

I'm sure you have all seen those Darwin or evolved fish emblems on the back of cars. The one that made me laugh the most was a fish with legs that was eating a religious fish symbol. Well, those and many other irreverent paraphernalia comes from a company called EvolveFISH. From their site, they "are dedicated to countering the destructive aspects of religious zealotry... they create and gather enlightened symbols and materials and sell these products online; with special focus on areas where zealots are trying to usurp the freedoms of the targets of their bigotry.".

Great Stuff Huh!

Now for the even better news - EvolveFish has agreed to sell my book Humanism for Parents - Parenting without Religion. Check it out on their site

Parenting without Religion

The press release for my book Humanism for Parents - Parenting without Religion finally went out. You can see a copy on PRWeb at:

PRWeb Press Release

The book is also available through my site or you can use the links to the right.

The book covers aspects of raising children without reliance on religion. It goes over rites, rituals, and practices that you might want to consider when raising children. It also has Q&A chapters for younger children and teens so that they can try to get an understanding of Humanism in a way they can relate to.

If you take a look at it or read it, please send feedback to me at humanismforparents@spiritualhumanist.info.

Humanism for Parents - Parenting without Religion

Well, I've been neglectful of blogging for the last month or so. Between gutting my master bathroom and starting the rebuild, starting a new job, and completing the book, I've just been too busy.

The good news is that the Humanism for Parents - Parenting without Religion book is not generally available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Borders, and Google Books. Please, take a look at it and let me know what you think. It is slightly cheaper to order through the publisher as they don't gouge you for shipping.

The following is the short description from the publisher.

By some estimates, over 1 billion people in the world are non-religious (humanist/secular/atheist) yet we base some of our parenting techniques and traditions on religion. There are many books available on parenting around each of the major religions, but few around parenting in a Humanist household. This book is an attempt to outline how non-religious parents can have rites, rituals, and practices needed for a healthy, spiritually fulfilled family.

You can also preview it on-line through my site via the page on
parenting.

Cheers, Sean

Humanism for Parents

I am in the final stages of publishing a book called Humanism for Parents that provides information to parents and potential parents (or even caregivers) about how to raise children without reliance on religion. By some accounts there are 1.1 billion people who don't believe or don't practice religion. There are plenty of books out about parenting with religion but few that are specifically secular. This book describes the aspects of parenting that are particular to a non-religious household.

It is currently available at the publisher (Lulu), and will be available at Amazon, Google Books, Barnes&Noble, and Borders within 6-10 weeks. You can also preview the book through my page on The Spiritual Humanist web site here.

Cheers, Sean

Aostach - Domestic Skills

This is the second in a series of posts about a modern right of passage. This post is about the first section of the Aostach; Domestic Skills. I’ve trimmed each of the sections to keep the length down, but it is still fairly long; my apologies. Go here for the original post explaining the Aostach.

Domestic skills are those required to properly manage and maintain day to day life in the home. These skills range from sewing on a button to planning and cooking nutritious meals. The intent here is to prepare the individual for the time when s/he will be leaving the home, either for college or out on their own. These are basic skills that every person should have learned as they grew up, but we’ve heard from many that say they were forced to learn them on their own the hard way or many that never learned them at all who feel forced to pay others to perform the simplest domestic tasks such as mending or gutter cleaning.

Basic Nutritional Knowledge

This is basic knowledge of what makes up a balanced diet and healthy nutrition. A good diet with consistently healthy choices is not all that difficult when analyzed and broken out into simple clear advice. We explain to our kids that the general concept to keep in mind when planning for a healthy diet is simply concentrating on whole, natural, unprocessed, unsalted and un-sugared foods (foods that don’t usually come in a can, box or package.)

This area also covers vitamins and what we have to augment in our modern diet to have proper vitamin intake.

Balanced Menu

As follow-on to basic nutrition, the individual should be able to plan a week’s balanced menu; explain the various nutritional elements and why they are important. This task should assure everyone that the individual is capable of planning a healthy and varied menu designed to maintain health, energy and proper weight. Over 2/3 of Americans are overweight with over 1/3 of those clinically obese, (a category defined as being 20% higher than normal weight and the most dangerous of categories to be in), thus we believe this knowledge is incredibly vital to pass on to today’s teens. A discussion of portion control is also a vital part of this training section because modern adult America’s, and consequently most teen’s ideas of what actually constitutes an appropriate serving, are so out of proportion.

The individual has to actually produce a plan for an entire week meals (including snacks in between). S/he doesn’t have to shop for or produce the meals, just plan them.

Meal Preparation and Cleanup

The individual should be able to do all the tasks it takes to plan, buy ingredients, cook, and clean up a meal. This particular task is not about a balanced diet or nutrition, but about the mechanics of planning for and preparing a meal. This should include a discussion of comparison shopping, coupons and the possibilities in saving money when done correctly. This is especially useful to people leaving home for the first time that may be limited in available money.

In this case the individual actually has to perform all of this – do the shopping, preparation, serving and cleanup. It is fascinating to see a teenager realize just how much work mom or dad goes through for each meal.

Clothing Maintenance

Clothing is a fairly simple one that includes basic hemming, perhaps some small clothing repairs like unraveled seams, and the sewing on of a button. It also includes the basics of ironing and how to iron without burning a hole in the clothing. We actually call it the “I word” because we all hate it so much. It is one of those (luckily few) things that both my wife and I can’t stand to do. But, everyone should know the basics and how to do a reasonable job of it for those occasions they will actually need it.

Pet care

Most animals need shelter from the elements, food, water, regularly cleaned litter or an appropriate place to toilet, vaccinations and examinations from a qualified veterinarian, spay or neuter (we firmly discuss pet overpopulation, neglect and condition of overflowing animal shelters in the U.S. with all of our kids and why birth control is the most responsible, loving thing one can do for animals in general).

Choose and Wrap Gifts

This is easy and fun, but most kids when they start out have a tendency to choose gifts that they themselves would like to get. We like to discuss how to pick gifts for other people, taking care not to let one’s personal preferences figure in too strongly.

Other than that, this is a fairly simple task that includes how to wrap tasteful, age and station appropriate presents that look like you care and how to wrap them quickly when needed (e.g. via a gift bag). We also mention bringing small but thoughtful “thank you” gifts to hosts & hostesses.

On a related topic, we teach to always send a thank-you card for gifts. We make it fun and let them create and decorate their own, but we always make sure it gets done.

Being a “good guest”

Ideally all children would be taught from a young age that being a polite, thoughtful guest is important. It garners admiration (and a return invitation!) But it also helps to oil the wheels of life, which can be somewhat squeaky and uncomfortable without a bit of graciousness along the way. In our observation modern children may not always understand other people’s viewpoints and may simply forget to practice niceties such as offering to set the table, asking if everyone has had enough before taking last servings, clearing their dirty dishes after the meal, keeping their personal areas neat and clean, wiping muddy feet or removing shoes, saying “thank you for having me, I enjoyed myself”, etc

Home Maintenance

This is a huge topic and very few people know all of it let alone actually do what is supposed to be done for home maintenance every year. There are various lists of home maintenance tasks available on the Internet. Some are incredibly complete and others very superficial.

This topic covers indoor periodic/seasonal maintenance like checking the smoke alarms and air filters to outdoor maintenance like preparation for winter in cold climates.

Shop Skills

Finally we cover basic shop skills including the use of various tools and the potential dangers.

The individual is expected to be able to cut lumber and build a small project. We also explain basic electrical and plumbing maintenance and what should and shouldn’t be done by the individual. In our house, I so almost all home maintenance and am building a cabin on some property we have, so we make sure to tell them that this isn’t how it has to be and that they can hire professionals to do some of the more complex work.



Next post, when I get to it, will be about Financial Skills.

Sean

p.s. We are still looking for a new name for the Aostach...

Aostach - a modern rite of passage

One of the aspects of spirituality and humanism that we discuss on our http://spirutualhumanist.info site is the need for a rite of passage. Rites like this help mark the natural progression through life and are some attempt at assuring you are ready for the next "level". Many religions have these, but atheists and humanists tend not to. This post (and the ones to follow) will talk about the program we call Aostach that my wife and I designed and is part of my discussion on parenting in a humanist household.

We have four children and we have always spent a great deal of time trying to figure out the best way to raise children in modern America. One of the things we realized early on was that children no longer have a rite of passage or any point where they can say they are now an adult and ready for the world.

We set out defining a set of criteria that the children had to pass with a final test as a kind of modern rite of passage. We now have one through this process and two in the middle of it. We have spoken to quite a few parents (and some want-to-be parents) about it and they all thought it was such a great idea that we decided a while back to turn it into a book. It will [probably] be called "Aostach - A Modern Rite of Passage". Aostach is a Gaelic word meaning Adult.

I plan to put some of the concepts out on this blog and hope to get feedback from anyone reading it.

The Aostach is broken into a number of sections with each section having 6 to 10 topics that the child has to learn or demonstrate. The sections include the following:

1. Domestic Skills


2. Financial Skills


3. Safety and Survival


4. Physical fitness


5. Daily practical knowledge


6. Ethics, Morals, Social Responsibilities and Manners

You can see that it is a diverse set of knowledge and abilities. The culmination of all of it is a somewhat difficult test that the child has to perform.

The next blog will be about the first section of the Aostach, Domestic Skills.